fiftyfourforever, Author at Fifty Four Forever

Radio virgin at 54

Radio virgin

There is an old saying that if a job is worth doing it is worth buggering about a lot before you start (or something like that). At the tender age of 23, I got my backside in gear and got involved with hospital radio. I phoned in match reports from Elland Road, a tricky task at that time, trying to make the games sound interesting. It was also long before the advent of mobile phones (at least for me) so I had to use a pay phone in the back of the bar which meant constant interruptions. Anyway, my real job got in the way of my budding radio career before I even graduated to having my own show. I said I would go back to it once I had more time. Just thirty one years later I am back!

I left the world of corporate IT just before Christmas and said at the time it was a chance to do things I wanted to do rather than things I had to. Something in radio was secretly part of that list. But, if opportunities for a 23 year old in 1984 were limited, surely a 54 year old today has no chance? At least that is what I thought. However, while on holiday in Florida over Christmas I did a bit of a web trawl and the South Leeds Media site caught my eye. Formerly known as South Leeds Community Radio, these nice people offer radio production courses amongst other things. I fired off an email and, just two months later, got a reply. I told you there was no point rushing these things. Anyway, it turned out there was a course about to start and would I like a place? Yes please was the obvious reply and I was in.

The course

So, on a cold Tuesday night, six of us sat rather nervously in the studio in Beeston and wondered what we had let ourselves in for. (As did Phil – the technical brains of the outfit who was our tutor.)The course consisted of four sessions, each a couple of hours long. Week one was introducing us to the techie equipment – very different to 1984. We soon got to play with the mixing desk, studio and guest microphones, pc media players, CD players and headphones. We also got to look at the stuff we weren’t allowed to touch – compressors and clever stuff like that. These came under the heading of “if you don’t understand what these do – leave them alone” – wise advice in any working environment.

Radio virgin - South Leeds Community Radio studio — South Leeds Community Radio studio

Week two was devoted to the software to be used – RadioDJ to play the music and Adobe Audition to record and edit the shows. In true IT style, I scurried away to download the software at home and play with it there. Nothing scary, except that it is PC based and we have recently switched to Apple. Once I was comfortable with both packages, I realised that GarageBand would do a good job and the old laptop was mothballed once again – narrowly averting Ruth’s nightmare of a Houston style control centre consisting of multiple desktops and laptops.

By the third week we had lost a couple of the original group but gained others. The topic for the week was interviewing techniques. Portable recorders were explained and dished out and role playing chaos ensued. Remembering to speak into the pointy end before aiming the microphone at the interviewee is not as easy as it looks. Not swearing is quite a challenge as well. Making an idiot of yourself is fine – there is an edit facility. If only life were like that.

Radio virgin - Radio production course week 4 — Radio virgin – Radio production course week 4

By week four, we were putting together a programme, all of us taking turns to present, interview, be interviewed etc. Hopefully, this will never see the light of day but good fun nevertheless. We were then invited back to speak to the station managers and pitch ideas for programmes. I went with a music show based on the classic era of soul music – early sixties to mid seventies, plus a bit of disco and modern soul as I see fit. They were happy with it and I have now recorded two shows with a third to come this week. I am still waiting to hear when they will be scheduled, maybe it is their way to wait until I have practised a bit before unleashing me! It is certainly a strange experience to sit in a room and talk to yourself. Strangely enough i did this quite a lot towards the end of my time with a certain bank so should have been good preparation!

I suppose it is a bit like passing a driving test. only by being allowed out unsupervised do you learn how to drive. My two attempts so far have certainly taught me things to avoid doing but, after thirty one years waiting, I don’t care if things are a bit rough around the edges. i am enjoying it immensely and, one way or another, I will get better!

The show

As a preview, I have uploaded show one to Mixcloud. Remember – it is not as easy as it looks!! Feedback and requests welcome.

Soul Man 1 by Roy Burgess on Mixcloud

It’s science innit

Science has always been a bit of a mystery.

My Christmas present from Ruth’s parents (Tom and Dot) came with strings attached. Well, not real strings like a puppet but conditions. I was required to understand how it worked and write up an explanation. I suspect this was in response to my stupid questions over the years. As a physicist I suspected Dot could explain the mysteries of the universe for me. I started the Ask Dot routine many years ago with “Why doesn’t the electricity fall out of the holes when you take a plug out” (frankly, I am not sure about her response and this still worries me). She quickly accepted that her eldest daughter had married an idiot and has since tackled many such questions.

Anyway, back to the gift. It is called an Impossible Balancer and was featured in the BBC programme QI in January last year. If you are going to click on the link and watch the clip I will be very offended if you don’t come back. I can wait.

Science - The Impossible Balancer at rest — Science – The Impossible Balancer at rest

It probably hasn’t escaped your notice that it is almost five months since Christmas and I haven’t responded yet. In my defence, we were away for the holiday so didn’t get the present until January but I accept that my homework is long overdue. I delayed until I could devote enough time to this to understand the science involved. I know it will come as a shock but I am not a proper scientist, unless mixing cocktails counts. When I was eight I had a book called something like 100 Amazing Facts. I figured this was enough to see me through and further study was probably over doing it.

I don’t even have an ology

My only proper excuse for my lack of knowledge is the school timetable from forty years ago. Both Physics and Chemistry were scheduled straight after PE. The science labs were on the third floor of the building. By the time I had slogged round a cross country course or flopped over like a beached Olga Korbett for an hour I was good for nothing, never mind hauling a huge holdall (so called because it had to hold all the contents of WH Smiths as well as smelly trainers) up to the top floor and actively participate in a class. As a result, unless it involved actually setting fire to stuff, my interest tended to wander. I scraped a C at Physics O level (probably the equivalent to a degree these days) but Chemistry was unceremoniously dropped as soon as I got the chance.

During the intervening forty years I have often thought that I should plug the gaps in my knowledge. However, a bit like cleaning the oven, I acknowledge that other people do it, it would improve my quality of life but somehow never comes to the top of my list of fun things to do next.

So, given the obvious lack of scientific background to work it out for myself, the obvious thing is RTFM. My IT background and gender obviously prevents me from reading instruction manuals of any kind. However, this one is just one, quite small piece of paper. How hard could it be? The answer would appear to be quite a bit. The next step, as with any problem was Google. I was quickly immersed in research papers from various universities. To give you an idea what I was up against, here is an extract from Motion of the Tippe Top Gyroscopic Balance Condition and Stability
Takahiro UEDA∗, Ken SASAKI† and Shinsuke WATANABE.
Figure 1:
A loaded sphere (eccentric) version of the tippe top. The center of mass
O is off center (S) by distance a. The tippe top spins on a horizontal table with
point of contact P. Its axis of symmetry, Oz, and the vertical axis, OZ, define a
plane Π, which precesses about OZ with angular velocity Ω(t) = (0, 0, Ω). OXYZ is
a rotating frame of reference with OX horizontal in the plane Π. The height of O
above the table is h(θ) = R−acosθ, where R is the radius. The position vector of
P from O is XP = (XP,0,ZP), where XP = dh and ZP = −h(θ).

This is a 51 page document and, to be honest, I’m not sure they understand it either. So, on the grounds that I won’t get away with putting it down to magic (I’ve tried that in the past and it doesn’t work, especially in A level Economics exams), here is my idiot’s guide.

The scientific bit!

As the explanation in the box says, the most important feature is that the centre of mass does not sit in the geometric centre of the top. In other words, when you spin the top it gets a bit of a wobble on (just like me!).

Science - The Impossible Balancer starts to wobble — Science – The Impossible Balancer starts to wobble

Rather than spinning on a single spot, the top will slide in a circle, usually falling off the kitchen worktop. However, with practice, this can be controlled. The point where the top spins creates friction with the surface, creating a twisting force that we scientists call torque (as opposed to speaking which we call talk). Now the clever bit. Because the centre isn’t the centre (see above and try to keep up), the side of the top will be pulled down and it will spin on its side. The pointy bit is no longer rotating about its axis but spinning sideways.

Science - The Impossible Balancer spinning sideways — Science – The Impossible Balancer spinning sideways

As the pointy bit slows down (friction) it will touch the work surface, exerting more friction which in turn increases the torque. This is enough to lift the top and flip it onto the pointy bit. Inertia means that the top still wants to spin but, as it is now upside down (on the pointy bit) it will spin in the opposite direction.

Science - The Impossible Balancer on the pointy bit and spinning the other way - hoopla — Science – The Impossible Balancer on the pointy bit and spinning the other way – hoopla

I could have spun this out to 51 pages but I am not a proper scientist.

I am visiting Tom and Dot tomorrow so need a good question to ask. I think a glass of wine will be needed to come up with a good one. After all, it’s science innit.

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The new project is a go

I have been quiet on the blogging front recently, largely due to a new project. A wise man once said that you shouldn’t make life changing decisions at times of stress. The bloody minded Northerner in both of us has meant that we have ignored the advice recently. Having decided to leave the wacky world of corporate IT just before Christmas we are now about to move house.

We originally came to live in the city centre to avoid the hour (at least) commute. We could both walk to work (healthier) and we only needed one car (financially healthier). However, within three months of moving Ruth’s job moved to Manchester. We should have seen it coming as she ran the project to move it!

The global downturn (or a useless estate agent) meant that we never sold the apartment in Apperley Bridge. When showing perspective new tenants around we both realised that we actually missed living there. With no offer on the table we thought that with a lick of paint we could happily move back in and rent out our city pad. However, in true project style, that lick of paint turned into a major project. Comments such as: “It always annoyed me that the grill was at waist level”; or “that shower cubicle is too small, they shouldn’t have squeezed it into that corner” ; and “that laminate floor is all scratched” – took us to the point we are at now. We are tackling a full scale refurbishment with new kitchen, bathroom, flooring, colour scheme, furniture and outdoor seating area. I seem to have convinced the finance committee that we don’t want all of those unsightly cables either so wireless speakers are the way to go.

We picked a budget by licking a finger and holding it in the air. This is known in IT as a SWAG – Scientific Wild Arsed Guess. This is arrived at without knowing what the customer wants, when they want it or how the hell you are going to achieve it. The downside is that there is always a row when the more refined estimate is exactly double the SWAG. This is basically what happened but, being the customer as well as PM we avoided the row. The finance committee did however issue a cost challenge. This will send a shudder down the spines of my former colleagues. The format is the same the world over. The people who are too busy in the first place spend several days justifying the increase in the budget. Then there is a row, the requirements change and the cost goes up again. Guess what? No row but the requirements changed and we added 20% to the budget (the granite work surfaces in the kitchen are essential).

New project - no turning back — New project – no turning back

Several weeks of planning and choosing designs led us to the point where the floors were stripped and the decorator was making a start on the top floor where there were no structural changes. In true project management style, I then buggered off on holiday for a week and left him to it.

Then the phone calls started. Can we deliver the bathroom this week? Erm -No I’m in Tenerife. The day after – The fitters will start on Monday as agreed. Erm – No, Tuesday as agreed. We can deliver on Tuesday – Fine, that’s when the fitters are there. You can see a pattern here. Anyway, we settled in and had a lovely week in Tenerife (despite a flurry of emails about kitchen appliances and door handles).

The fitters arrived bright and early Tuesday morning and started knocking down walls, ripping out showers etc.

New project - one wall gone — New project – one wall gone

I found it all a bit disturbing and set off on a mission to find the new spotlights to be fitted in the hall which the electrician is fitting as I type this. The major crisis now concerns the tiles. The idea was to rescue tiles from the walls that were being demolished and use them on walls that were being built. I had been warned that this was a risk and, true to form, they are proving difficult to separate from the plaster board. Unlike the plaster board that separated from the walls quite easily – more plastering to do! So, tomorrow is a mad search to find tiles that either perfectly match the existing one (million to one as nearly ten years old) or get some that contrast so that we make a feature of them (scary). I am trying to focus on the vision of what it will be like to move in at the end of June but this retirement lark is not quite as easy as it looks!

Social media – friend or foe?

Are social media sites a valuable part of modern life or do they simply expand to take up the time available. With Meerkat and Periscope entering an already crowded market, will they succeed or do we simply not have enough hours in a day to keep up to date with them all? For what it is worth I offer my views on a few of them.

Facebook

The chances are that you are reading this you followed a link from Facebook or Twitter.

In February, Facebook celebrated its 10th birthday. In those 10 years, the ubiquitous site has gathered 1230m users. That’s roughly 20 times the population of the UK. Whilst some people doggedly refuse to get on board, that number is a big one and co-founder Mark Zuckerberg can be quietly pleased that he has succeeded. Actually, with a personal wealth estimated at around 20 billion dollars it must be quite difficult not to wet himself laughing all the time. The rest of us constantly check our timeline for that little red circle in case we miss the fact that it is raining somewhere.

I appear to be below average in that I have 134 friends on Facebook, ranging from close friends of many years standing to people I met briefly and now seem to have melted away. Apparently around half of Facebook users have more than 200 friends whilst 18-24 year olds have more than 500. What does this say about the quality of such friendships? Is there a competitive element among some groups? I have 500 friends therefore I am more popular than you?

Aristotle, who hasn’t bothered with Facebook, reckoned that people qualify as friends if you have shared food with them. That would cut the list down a fair bit! There is a theory that we can cope with around 5 really close friends. This number allows us to spend time and invest in these friendships. We will then have a series of expanding groups that we spend less time with. In total, our group of friends will be no greater than 100. Beyond that, we simply can’t invest the time to keep those friendships relevant. (For a full article on the subject see the BBC News magazine – read more)

So what is going on with Facebook? Is it a force for good in that it allows us to keep friendships going by hitting a Like button every now and again and sending birthday messages without the pain of buying a card and posting it. Alternatively, is it a time thief that gives the impression of being socially included even if you are sitting alone in a bedsit and eating cat food? Having avoided joining for several years I now admit to being in favour. It may be superficial but I like that feeling of being in touch with a large group of people, even if some of them are over enthusiastic when hitting Like on certain sites!

Twitter

Social media - screen shot — Twitter screen shot

After a bit of a false start a couple of years ago, I confess to becoming a regular Twitter user (@royburgess40). I can see how, in the right hands, it can become a very powerful tool for business and social use. You want to know when your favourite band are doing a warm up gig at a small venue? Follow them on Twitter to find out. Fancy a night at a trendy pop-up restaurant – Twitter again. I think the key is to be choosy in who or what you follow. Too many means you will be swamped and unable to keep up with the tidal wave of tweets that come your way. (Too few and nothing happens!) I have to admit I don’t understand the drive to attract followers at all costs. If a follower is not actively engaged there is no point. Having said that, some of the “grab followers” sites can be quite entertaining. My bio on Twitter lists me as ex IT manager, currently getting away with reviewing my options. Blogger, photographer, rugby league and music fan, fine wine taster and part time super model. As a result, I have been added to one company list as a preferred photographer and model. No work yet but I think it justifies ticking model on any form asking for my occupation.

Instagram

Don’t get it. I registered and have followers but haven’t posted anything. Maybe I am missing something but isn’t it just Twitter without text?

Periscope

The new kid on the block but a classic case of not being able to figure out why. It allows online streaming of anything (no nudity!). I suppose it is a case of build the technology and they will come. One to watch maybe. The current fad seems to be showing what is in your fridge!! Better than some TV channels but will give it a miss at the moment.

This is my jam

This one intrigues me. The premise is simple. Pick your favourite song at the moment and post it – this is your jam. It stays your jam for a maximum of seven days then it is time to pick another. The system recommends other jams based on your choices. You can follow others, swapping comments etc. I have found it an interesting way to discover new music and an easy way to lose half an hour! http://www.thisismyjam.com Find me on there as royb40 (see what I did there?)

365 Project

Another site with a simple idea that becomes all consuming. Upload a picture each day for a year (hence 365). I saw this as a great way to ensure my shiny new camera didn’t just sit on the shelf. I signed up last summer and I’m now 67% of the way through my first year. It is quite a challenge to come up with something each day. Mine range from photos I am quite proud of that were composed and processed to within an inch of their lives to drunken snaps with my phone. At the end of the year you have a visual diary online. Again, there is a very supportive community that offer comments and likes, you can build up followers and follow others. You get the picture (literally). This does get addictive. There are some individuals into a third or fourth year. Have a look at http://365project.org/royb40/profile

500 Px

2014 in pictures — Hay making in the Lake District

This is another photographic site. I limit this to shots I am quite pleased with. Again, photos are liked, followed follow etc. Interest in each picture is expressed as a score. There is a real buzz about a shot securing a lot of activity and seeing the score climb towards the ultimate 99.9 (I assume). Beware, there are some extremely good photographers on this site. I try to take them as inspiration rather than getting depressed at how feeble some of my attempt look! In theory you can sell your work on the site but, so far, the magazines haven’t come calling.

https://500px.com/RoyBurgess

flashfictiononline.com

This is one I have been meaning to sign up to but not got around to it. It is a community for giving and receiving feedback on written fiction (as the name suggests). I would love to hear if anybody out there has tried this – do you recommend it?

The is just a small selection of the increasing number of sites. Is there something that you have found that I should know about? Should I just get out more? Social Media is like most things – good for you in moderation.

Women don’t like brown sauce

Women don’t like brown sauce. A controversial statement but one backed by huge amounts of research data. Well, a bit of research. OK, not much at all but nobody has argued so far. I’m not sure why. It has, when all is said and done, got fruit in it. It has to be good for you.

As stated, my data is limited but no more so than some of the tosh that passes for academic research these days. There was a “news” report last week that having a nap in the afternoon can lead to an increased risk of strokes. (Stop sniggering at the back – not that kind of stroke.) Could it be that not being very fit, high blood pressure and a pile of chips at one o’clock makes you feel a bit sleepy and up for a kip? No. The next generation of scientists insist that having 40 winks will increase your chances of having a stroke.

It is the same kind of woolly thinking that leads to the weekly story that *wine / butter / chocolate is a killer / the secret to eternal youth / one of your five a day. (*Delete as necessary.) There has always been this kind of rubbish out there, the difference today is that the 24 hour news and blogging society needs more and more of this stuff to keep the wheels turning. Blogs should concentrate on the important stuff.

The sauce thing came about this week when Mrs B, aware that there would be a system for deciding (there always is) whether to go for tomato or brown sauce, tried and failed to work it out for herself. My theory is that most men will have a similar system and women just go for tomato. The system is as follows.

Burgers or communal pub chips – always tomato.

A proper roast dinner – no sauce at all. This comes from my mum banning it close on 50 years ago and I see no reason to change now. Mint sauce is allowed with lamb, obviously.

Chops, fish in breadcrumbs, chicken Kievs and the like, served with green vegetables – brown sauce. In this instance, carrots are green vegetables (otherwise it gets too complicated). Now the exciting bit.

Full English breakfast or omelettes – could be either depending on the mood. How mad is that? It was a bit much for Mrs B but I suspect by this stage she was glad we decided not to have kids. I have a secret fear of being interviewed by Danny Baker and having to play the sausage sandwich game – I would be useless at it. This last reference will only mean anything to men of a certain age who listen to Radio 5.

In terms of quality, it has to be Heinz ketchup and HP brown sauce. Imitations are not acceptable though I still mourn the passing of Hammonds Chop Sauce – a prince among brown sauces. Strangely, we bought an apartment some years ago on the site of the Hammonds sauce factory. Before its demise, I fondly remember walking home from the pub with the sweet aroma of another batch being brewed, wafting across the night sky. The trouble was I was always starving by the time I got home.

What about other sauces? Salad cream is a guilty pleasure but Mrs B won’t have it in the house. She also frowns on having Pizza Express salad dressing, mayonnaise, Branston pickle and brown sauce on the same plate but I AM EATING SALAD! Horseradish is just wrong. I have recently affected Worcester sauce with soup (very posh).

The one sauce related rule we both agree on – tomato and brown sauce on the same plate shows lack of decision making capability and needs to be stamped out. Get yourself a system and stick to it. Any dissenters out there?

How much are we defined by our job title?

How much are we defined by our job title? Can we change things just by describing ourselves differently?

We have all been in the situation, meeting somebody for the first time, the obvious question is “what do you do?” Even more marked, a common ice-breaker on courses etc. is – “Tell me about yourself”. The usual answer starts “I am a road sweeper/ project manager / brain surgeon ” etc. It is rarely on the lines of “I believe that ear-wigs are evil” (don’t ask) or “I used to put salad cream on fish and chips”.

The point of all this and, unusually for me, there is a point, is that we rarely get the chance to make a first impression face to face anymore. Thanks to LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter, any potential employer, client or even spouse can make their mind up about you in an instant by looking at your online profile. Is that picture of you on the beach with the ‘Kiss Me Quick” hat and candy floss the impression you want to make? Does your next boss really want to see you glassy eyed and belting out “I Will Survive” outside the Kebab shop?

Maybe not the right tone for a professional network?

Give your profile some thought and set the right tone for each platform. A suitable photograph is essential. Needless to say, one of me doesn’t exist yet!

Professional work portrait

We tend to be a bit obsessed about how people perceive us from our job title. Over the years I have had many job titles but, recently, I tended to rely on IT Manager. Any mention of working for a certain bank was omitted to avoid obvious embarrassment or awkward silence. Since taking the decision to leave the aforementioned bank I have taken to describing myself as self unemployed. This causes problems when filling in forms as there is never a box for it (and this is somehow my fault).

On Twitter I describe myself as an ex IT manager, currently getting away with reviewing my options. Blogger, photographer, rugby league and music fan, fine wine taster and part time super model. This has had some unexpected consequences. One social media fixated company has automatically added me as a preferred model and photographer. I am still awaiting the call of the catwalk but you never know. I have, of course, got form in this area having, many years ago, featured in Madonna’s video for Vogue. It was a small part but beautifully done if I say so myself. But that is another story.

So, maybe by changing your title, you can change your station in life? As my thoughts on what to do with the rest of my life start to clear (sitting on a beach with a glass of Viognier is not an option apparently) it is time to revisit my LinkedIn and Twitter profiles. With various websites under construction and an online magazine gestating maybe publishing mogul would be a good title. Then again, there may be a coaching / counselling element thrown into the mix as well. Publishing mogul, coach and mild mannered despot has a certain ring to it. Maybe not.

I may have stumbled into the life of a super model by accident but there is nothing wrong with setting a target and working towards it. Be realistic but imagine a future contact reading an online profile and reacting to it. Would their reaction be what you wish for?

RB – Media mogul and mild mannered despot.

5 things I learned from the Brits

5 things I learned from the Brits

1 Ant & Dec are not funny

Whether it is presenting the Brits or any of their turn the handle TV shows, Ant & Dec are not funny. With that sentence I will probably have upset half the people who read this (both of you!), but it has to be said. I saw them referred to the other day as the new Morecambe & Wise. Hang on a minute! Eric Morecambe was a brilliant comedian, with perfect timing (even when the material was mediocre). Ant & Dec can’t even get the timing right and the material is never better than mediocre. Ernie Wise was a consummate straight man, while these two are both straight men – they forgot the comedian bit. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being amiable, professional Geordies who pop up on just about everything. It’s just that there are far funnier things from Newcastle. Ross Noble for a start. Hebburn was brilliant and the Newcastle United back four are funniest of all.

2 Madonna is a true professional

Brits 2015 - Out damned knot out — Brits 2015 – Out damned knot out

Madonna’s wardrobe malfunction and double back flip was fairly spectacular but did have an upside – the singing stopped (albeit briefly). By that, I mean she was actually singing. Sometimes at these events there is a strong suspicion of miming to pre-recorded performances. Just to show how professional she is she got up and, despite being in obvious pain, continued with the routine. Not bad for a 56 year-old. Certain footballers would still be rolling around now trying to get the cloak sent off.

3 If easily offended – don’t book Kanye West

Brits 2015 - Kanye West Censored — Brits 2015 – Kanye West Censored

Have any of the ITV production staff heard of Kanye West (other than being married to someone famous for being famous)? Had they listened to any five minute spell of any of his albums they would know that there may be a little choice language coming up. I suspect there was also a rehearsal which could have alerted them, though with 500 people on stage this would have been a touch chaotic. So, what was the tactic for making sure we didn’t hear language that may offend us – muting the sound every few seconds. Far better not to show the performance, surely? Having said that, it was after the watershed which I thought meant adult programming? While I am in full flow, language will rarely offend me. Charlie Brooker’s Weekly Wipe (now that is FUNNY) is shown at about the same time with very choice language and no muting. Back at the Brits I was slightly uncomfortable with the pseudo military imagery on stage which went completely uncensored. Was it just me who thought having flame throwers that looked like rocket launchers coupled with the style of dress looked a bit intimidating? Still, so long as kids don’t hear on TV the sort of language they use in the playground where’s the problem?

4 Paloma Faith is a star

Looking at the lineup before the show, you would have put money on Madonna turning in the most polished and imaginative performance. Obviously, the dodgy knot in the cloak impacted things but, even without the slapstick, surely the performance of the night would still go to Paloma Faith? The Arena’s scale allows the sort of dramatic staging we saw but the tiny singer certainly made the most of it and turned in the best singing in the rain since the aforementioned Morecambe & Wise.

5 Two presenters of awards doesn’t work

Brits 2015 - Two presenters doesn't work — Brits 2015 – Two presenters doesn’t work

Time and again, producers of this kind of show think that having two presenters for each award somehow adds to the spectacle – it doesn’t. (With the possible exception of Rita Ora’s dress – her mum should have made her wear a vest to avoid catching her death). Rarely do the scripted ad-libs work, nobody knows who speaks next and usually, at least one of them is the worse for drink. Once again, it was left to Russell Crowe to show how it should be done. It looked like he had come straight from his taxi as he strode down the catwalk with his coat on. No clumsy jokes, give Ed Sheeran the award and get off again – class. If only the hosts could do the same. Where’s Mick Fleetwood when you need him?

A short story – Champagne please

I saw her from across the bar. An image of a porcelain figure flashed through my mind as she slipped into a seat in the corner. She was making a note in a small leather diary as I moved towards her. I sat at the next table. She looked up and smiled. I fell in love immediately with her sparkling blue eyes. She spoke first.

‘Nice bar.’

‘Yes, very nice’

Oh, great start. She’s going to be hooked by your devilish sense of humour now isn’t she? I tried again.

‘It’s my one vice, staying here whenever I’m in the area. How about you, been here before?’

‘No, I was just passing and decided I deserved a drink.’

‘Please. Allow me.’

She smiled a perfect smile.

‘Thanks, but I must warn you, I’m celebrating.’

‘So it has to be champagne then!’

She tilted her head slightly and smiled again.

‘Yes. I think it does.’

For once, the waiter was looking straight at me as I turned towards him. A bottle and two glasses arrived in seconds and the conversation flowed. At her invitation I moved across to sit opposite her. We introduced ourselves.

‘So, Emma, what are we celebrating?’

She thought for a moment before looking up at me and smiling again.

‘Let’s just say I’ve got rid of the man who wasn’t making me happy any more.’

She raised her glass and we drank a toast to getting rid of unhappiness. I accepted the cigarette she offered and produced my lighter. Her cool fingers touched my hand to steady the flame. That smile again. She slipped off her jacket, revealing an expensive looking cream silk shirt. As she twisted in her seat to place the jacket behind her, I started to think of what may lay ahead tonight. She seemed different, not like the rest.

He was already there as I made my way through the bar. Nice suit. Clean shaven. Too much cologne, but expensive. He seemed nervous. Maybe he’s not like the others. Always too sure of themselves. Probably a rep. Used the hotel before, not like me. Must do OK, sprang for champagne. The waiter kept staring at me. Still, easier to order drinks. He was quite entertaining once he relaxed a bit. I started to enjoy myself. Eyes out on stalks when I took my jacket off. Maybe he is like the others. It’ll cost him!

I ordered another bottle. This was getting expensive but I figured it was an investment. I don’t suppose my boss will pick up the tab but I had a decent commission coming this month. Let’s live a bit. The waiter lingered just that little bit too long, eyes fixed on her all the time. No tip for you mate. She asked about my job.

‘I sell surgical equipment: everything from the humble scalpel to huge body scanners.’

‘You must be good at it, judging by the suit and the expensive taste in drinks.’

‘It keeps me off the streets. What about you?’

‘Publishing. Magazines mainly. The glossier the better. Lifestyle, travel, fashion, you know the kind of thing.’

‘Sounds interesting. Who do you work for?’

‘I don’t. They work for me!’

With that, she excused herself and glided towards the bathroom. Alarm bells sounded in my head. Out of my league! My slight exaggeration of the scale of my job and this bombshell scared the life out of me. It was more than a slight exaggeration as well. I sell stationery. I calmed myself. This is just a bit of fun. A one night stand, nothing more. I could flash the cash, bluff my way through and try to get her upstairs. By morning it will all be over. A bit of fun, that’s all – unless she turns out to be just like the rest. Then it won’t matter anyway. Relax, enjoy yourself. This could be fun.

She smiled as she slid into her seat.

‘Are you hungry?’

‘Absolutely.’

‘Great, this is on me – no arguments.’

That was fine by me as the champagne had set me back nearly a hundred already. The waiter carried the remains of our drinks into the restaurant and we were soon settled behind huge menus.

I offered to pay for dinner and he accepted. Conversation was easy but I would bet that he lied about his job. It doesn’t matter of course, we all do it – even me. Twice his eyes lingered a little too long when he thought I was reading the menu. Maybe he is like the rest. When I suggested we take brandy and coffee in his room his eyes almost popped out on stalks. Come into my web!

As we walked to the lift I fingered the ring in my pocket. I must remember to put it back on in the morning. With the other hand, I fingered the blade, cool against my touch. My heart pounded in my chest and ears. She smiled, just like the rest. I heard a swish of silk as we turned the corner; mouth dry. I fumbled with the key. She laughed and said not to be nervous. If only she knew.

He almost dropped the key. I took it from him, my hand brushing his just a little longer than necessary. A suite – nice. I took the armchair opposite him. A tap at the door as the drinks arrive. The waiter actually winked at him as he left. Just like the rest. I teased him as we drank. He leaned in to kiss me. I placed a finger on his lips.

She suggested I take a shower while she made herself comfortable. I looked back from the bathroom door as she shook off her jacket. She kicked off her shoes and laughed, pointing to the bathroom. I ducked inside and soon the hot jets of water heightened the pleasure and anticipation. Wrapping a towel round my waist I took the knife from the pocket. Casually draping the jacket over my arm to conceal the blade, I took a deep breath and opened the door.

As he emerged from the bathroom I was ready for him. He hesitated a moment when the bed was empty. He actually turned, eyes bulging, pleading as the knife slid expertly between the ribs. A twist, pull and slash – he fell to the floor, throat gurgling. I wiped the blade on his jacket. Then I saw the glint of metal in his lifeless hand l. I smiled. You can’t trust anybody can you? Just like the rest.

Referee – well done sir!

Referees in rugby league, on the whole, do a great job. There, I have said it. I’ve maybe lost one or two brain cells to alcohol over the last few weeks but I believe it is true. A couple of things brought this home to me this weekend.

Firstly, I attended the Huddersfield v Hull game as a neutral. The only let down of the whole afternoon was the constant moaning of a number of fans about the referee’s decisions. I couldn’t see too much to moan about (other than the home side was taking a beating). The ref never dropped the ball or missed a tackle. He seemed to show enthusiasm for the task – more than some of the Giants could manage.

Secondly, the resumption of @RFLreferees #asktheref discussions on Twitter. As far as I know, this is a first for any major sport. The concept is blindingly simple but very powerful. If there was a decision at the weekend that incensed you, simply ask what the thought process was. The referees in question provide the answers. A clear explanation of why a decision was given is often enough to stop the rant about the quality of his eyesight or the validity of his family tree. Sometimes you may still disagree but at least the ref has explained his thinking. Refreshingly, there is the occasional “hands up – I got it wrong moment”. Just this admission gains the referees so much respect in my book. How many of us can honestly say that we never make mistakes in a working day? (You should have seen the number of spelling mistakes in the first draft of this for a start – no need to point out any that remain!) I remember the ex-boss of ICI, Sir John Harvey-Jones doing a series on British business years ago called Troubleshooter. The quote that stuck with me through the years since was on the lines that the only people who don’t make mistakes are those that do nothing. Our referees are making hundreds of decisions without much help (what do touch judges actually do?) and may just get a few wrong. With most of them, they don’t have the luxury of a dozen camera angles and endless replays. An interesting contrast to this open approach is the FA where referees are censured if they attempt to comment on decisions. Again, Rugby League points the way and other sports will eventually follow (with Rugby Union taking the credit).

While I am at it, well done to the powers that be for following the NRL model and getting the referees to make the try / no try call before going to the video referee. This worked so well in the NRL it was very frustrating to see so many referees abdicating the decision on virtually every try.

My wish-list

So, is everything in the refereeing garden rosy? No, things could still improve. It would be nice to think there won’t be a mid-season change in emphasis or interpretation on some rule or other, leading to dozens of penalties and total confusion. This usually peters out after a few weeks but is very frustrating. Rules being applied consistently, regardless of who is the referee and what stage of the season we are at will surely go a long way to changing the image of the merry whistle blower. I would like to see a return to referees being seen but not heard, particularly on televised games. Explain decisions by all means but I don’t need a running commentary of “hold, move, surrender” etc. Certain referees almost wander into coaching teams to keep them onside – OK in a school match but surely not needed with professionals?

Maybe I am now being too idealistic but for a sport that prides itself on players being able to knock seven shades out of each other for eighty minutes then shake hands, wouldn’t it be good to applaud referees off the field? OK, probably a step too far but one thing is for sure, without a referee there would be no sport. I for one would not want to do the job but, starting now, I will be more understanding of those that do.

Now, if somebody could just explain where the knock on was when Michael Withers put Leon through against Saints I could start to sleep again!

A year in pictures – 2014

Having bought a DSLR camera late in the previous year, I thought it would be interesting to pull out one photo from each month in 2014. This was a difficult task, like judging the goal of the season competition on Match Of The Day. However, the decision is made. Here is my year, one picture for each month.

January 2014

This was before I had started my attempts to conquer all of the dials and settings on the camera, so still in Auto mode. I was keen to get out and about regularly to justify the outlay! It was a very cold, crisp night so I didn’t wander far. This is from about thirty yards from the front door to our building, looking towards the bridge. I just liked the colours.

February 2014

In February, we were lucky enough to go to Tenerife for the second time in three months. The difference was that I had been on the dial and setting conquering course so the camera was out of Auto. Not a massive step to some but a bit scary. I certainly had a few ‘what the hell happened there’ moments when things didn’t turn out as I envisaged Here I was trying to capture the soft light against the orange wall from our hotel balcony at the Villa Cortes. Today I would probably be tempted to tweak in Photoshop but, at the time, didn’t know how!

March 2014

Ruth was now getting used to me having to stop on street corners like a puppy (not quite – I was taking pictures not peeing on lampposts). This was on the way back to the train station in Saltaire after a day walking the canal, wandering around Salts Mill and drinking tea.It is very rare to get this kind of shot without cars parked everywhere. By now, I could have attempted removal of the van with Photoshop but decided I quite liked it.

April 2014

The first signs of Spring took us to Golden Acre Park in Leeds. The sun shone for what seemed like the first time in months. Lots of close up pictures of blossom, squirrels and ducks but I thought this was the most interesting. I admit the strange angle was added later.

May 2014

By May I felt I had taken shots of most bits of Leeds but, the big advantage of living in the city centre is that things are constantly changing. The iconic Yorkshire Post building on Wellington Street was being demolished. I always find scenes like this fascinating as it gives you a glimpse behind closed doors, quite often into the past. My main memory of being inside this building was attending Spanish lessons in the early nineties – strange.

June 2014

Now the sun was out! This was the weekend of the Food Festival and Leeds was gearing up for the Tour De France. After a few drinks and snacks in Millennium Square we headed towards home and a few more out drinks and snacks at the Engine House. This is looking back towards the courtyard at the Midnight Bell with Candle House in the background.

July 2014

Picking one shot from July was particularly difficult with lots of long, sunny days out with the camera. In the end it had to be something from the most memorable of these, the Grand Depart of the Tour De France. We were in position early, at the bottom of the Headrow – outside the Lloyds branch. We stood for around four hours, much of it in the rain but, just before start time, the sun came out and the atmosphere was terrific. Mark Cavendish smiled for the camera but Chris Froome looked a bit scared of falling off – wisely as it turned out!

August 2014

We enjoyed a fantastic week away in the northern Lake District. It felt like we had the place to ourselves when you consider the choking traffic just a few miles south around Windermere. This is taken from the top of the lane that leads down to the car park at Loweswater, with Buttermere just visible behind the trees.

September 2014

I had one of those moments when I wasn’t sure what button I had pressed, but all my shots on this morning were black and white! I didn’t notice until I got home but I think they still work. This is standing on top of one of the locks, looking towards Harrogate Road with our old apartment just out of shot behind the trees. Another great summer’s day that I seemed to have all to myself.

October 2014

We called into Livin Italy for a drink and the only seats were right next to the deli. It felt like torture – everything looked fantastic. As we were out for the night I didn’t have the camera with me but the iPhone did a pretty good job. I love the colours in this almost as much as the porchetta (bottom left).

November 2014

One of my favourite spots has always been Otley Chevin. I have been up there a couple of times with the camera during the year but never quite done the stunning views justice. I was walking back to the car when I saw the restored wall. I got a few shots before the downpour started!

December 2014

Three weeks in Florida was the perfect way to round off 2014. Anna Maria is a tiny island off the west coast of Florida. It is narrow enough to walk to whichever coast has the best light at the time. This was taken just as the sun rose above the horizon. The fishing boat had been out all night and chose the exact moment to come into shot. The Grouper was near perfect at lunchtime as well.